Fighting The Monster

I have four more exams left. I'm halfway done. Anyone would be happy, but no, not me. I'm too stressed. Those panic attacks that left some years ago are back. When I was on easter break, I remember waking up in the middle of the night and just screaming. Those thoughts, they tell me I will never make it. I've broken down an uncountable amount of times.

I keep on telling myself, I will make it. I will be fine. But slowly the thoughts creep in my mind. Saying that I'm just lying to myself. Truth is, I'm all alone in this battle. Yes, I have my faith and it is a strong thing, but when all the signs just point toward failure, what do you say?

It's so hard facing these paper. It's like every word I write on that piece of paper is my lifeline. I'm pretty much screwed for my Maths 1, therefore, my downward spiral hasn't let me go. I have 3 biology exams and 1 chemistry. Can I make it? Can I get that distinction that I need? I'm torturing myself. But who am I to blame? I put myself in this situation. What if the uni doesn't accept me? Am I willing to spend another year or 2 in this country? It's hard enough to leave my mum for 3 months, can I survive years? I do miss home. So very much. My parents tell me I can do this, I should be fine. I may or may not be. All I know is I've never felt so alone. I have, in the dark days. I just never expected that feeling to return.

I can't make it go away. It's like mental torture. Everyday. I keep on praying for the days to go by fast so I can get this over with. However, there torture will continue till I get my actual results, I presume.

Sometimes, I wish I never left Taylor's. I would be enjoying my 1st year now. Or even finishing up FIS. As much as I say I can't stand that place, at least I knew I could ace any exam.