My new best friend

That's right I got a new best friend. It's not a person, it's ignorance. I know it makes me sound like I'm a total bitch but it's what this world has turned me into. I don't ignore everyone I see, just the one's that piss me off. My ex for an example and my Turkish friend. I've been feeling empty for so long it's too much for me to handle. Whatever I do, I can never feel anything. I want to feel something. Love, happiness or anything at all. I'm tired of sitting here listening to those songs that used to make me feel something. As I'm writing this, I'm listening Paramore's Emergency. I had to write an English Journal for my class so I decided to write about myself. Mainly cause I was pressed for time. As I typed my essay, I teared up. It was so hard writing about all those moments in my life. No one actually will read it except for my teacher but then again she would not know its me. Hopefully. I just don't want to be judged anymore. I spent so many years being judged. I sometimes wonder though, what does my classmates think of me? I know, I'm silent, I don't really mix around. I mean, I can't even get a guy to ask me out. I wish I could gain back the confidence I used to have. But no more relationships, that's for sure. But then again, you don't always get what you want in life. Life's just messed up like me. I just wanna feel again.

Alex Gaskarth Saved Me. Again.

You know how when you choose to study something you should be excited for it? Why do I feel like this course isn't going to bring me happiness? All these question are eating me up alive. My classes are all fun, my course mates are awesome but I still feel unhappy. Maybe it's just my head being messed up again. I really want to be doctor, I want to feel the exciment I felt when I studied biology. I also feel it creeping up on me. I'm fighting it as much as I can, however, I nearly broke yesterday. The tempt to see the scars was too strong. I don't know what triggered it. Loneliness? Home sick? Missing Risa and Veen? Whatever it is, it'S hitting me hard. Alex Gaskarth voice is catching me thank god. My friend too. I love them to bits. <3 There's also crushes coming along. Trust me, nothing's gonna happen. I'm no longer the girl that goes up to a guy and be like "Hey, you have a cute smile, wanna go grab a drink?" Honestly, I miss that part of me. That girl that was FUN. She's some where in me but I'm afraid to bring her out. She might kill me again. Self esteem issues are acting up. So, there's no way in hell, that any guy I have a crush on, will be mine. Oh just kill me.