Held On Tight For Dear Life

How many wine bottles do I have to empty before I figure out that I can't live without you? That if I left, despite everything screaming at me to do it, I'll still never be happy. Cause you are my everything. But I can't keep holding onto something that won't catch me when I fall. I can't be the only one trying to save this relationship right? Cause I would be trying to save...... nothing. He isn't trying. I'm tired of waiting and expecting.

At the same time, I can't face the fact that if I left, all those memories would go away. I may never find someone that makes me feel like he does. He is after all, my prince charming, and every girl knows you only get one of those. What do I say to my parents? I screwed up again and let someone affect me so much again? I would never be able to face them again.

Tears are literally falling from my face as I write this. Every fibre in me is begging me not to do this. However, I can't keep reminiscing, looking at our pictures of the "happier times" and keep giving him chances to get away with taking advantage of my kindness.

I wish he would say something to make things better. I don't even know if he's okay. Heck, I don't even know where he is. Is this a relationship? Why doesn't he get that I love him and I'm willing to do anything for him? If he really did mean it when he said I am the one for him, then why can't I see it?

If you're reading this, I love you and I'm sorry for having to do this. If you promise to put in as much effort as I am, I promise to be the best I can be. But if you can't, it's not fair on me. I have had so many nights where I cried myself to sleep. I deserve to be happy. You are no longer there for me when I need you, but when you need me, I am there in a heartbeat. How is it fair? Please understand that I can only fight for this as long as you let me to. Right now, you're pushing me away. If I had a choice, I would tell you not to let me go. So tell me, should I hang on to you any longer? I know I promised to never leave but that is if you promised to do the same. I can't see that you are. I don't know you anymore. I miss you. I miss your 3am calls. Is it my fault? How can it be when all I did was give you everything you wanted? I don't even know where you are or if you're okay. What happened to us? Did we just drift apart? Or is there someone else that has your attention these days?

I love you, that's the only thing I know right now. If you feel the same, then I beg you, don't let me walk away. Don't let me believe everything you said was a lie.

I'll give you my dirty little secret, don't tell anyone, or you'll be just another regret.

Life is never easy. No one has it easy. Even the richest struggle. Here's my issue. I have lived a life that has had enough. All those memories keep haunting me. That image of me falling down in the middle of street, being carried into the ambulance, it haunts me. I'm always so afraid for it to reoccur again.

I know he is the one. I knew it for a long time. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But lately, I feel him slipping. It's been 4 weeks since we kissed. Any women's magazine would tell you he's getting some on the side. I know that's not the case. Or maybe it is. I have been cheated on way too many times to even feel anything. The last relationship I was in when he was being cold towards me, he was cheating. I pray each night he's not. I know he never will. Cause if he is, I have no one to blame but myself. I promised myself the next person I date, I would only be committed if I'm 100% sure of it. And I was sure of him.

I'm just tired of being taken advantage of. I'm tired of compromising. Does he not remember how close we were? Does he not remember all his promises? Were they all said for the sake of them? Maybe I'm overthinking it. Maybe he really just is busy. But I am not asking for much right? I do not want to constantly keep asking my own boyfriend to hang out. My anxiety is making things worst as well.

The question that remains is this; how much am I willing to compromise? Am I going to keep being pushed around till I succumb to my low point again? I can't anymore. Despite him being the one, I need him to be the person I fell in love with. He used to call me at 3 am to tell me he loves me. Now, my phone barely even buzzes. When it does, it never is his name. I'm lucky to get a few texts here and there. So, can I add him to the list of people who only want me when they want someone to entertain them? And that's a freaking long list. Right now, that's what I feel. That I'm just there for him to talk to when he's bored.

He may be the one, but I won't let myself go just so I can get hurt and he walks away without any remorse. Should I run away from this then? I might risk hurting him. I can't even type it out to him. Each time I try to, instead of hitting that send button, I hit the delete. I tried having this conversation face to face and the words won't even come out. I finally spit it out and all he did was say "if I didn't love you, I wouldn't ask you to come see me." and a bunch of I LOVE YOU'S. Sure that's great, that reaffirms the relationship. But ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. And so far, all his actions scream is that he doesn't care.

So I'm left with the option of staying or leaving. If I leave, I risk losing my parents faith and trust in me. Since they like him. I risk losing the one. What if I can't find someone who's so N'Sync with me again. (See what I did there, JT reference man!) I mean, he knows what I like and what I don't. He knows how to make me scream and smile. If I stayed, I risk getting hurt. What if things don't go back to normal? We were supposed to be living together this year. But some documents were screwed up and we lost everything. I was left with a huge bill and almost homeless. Did he care? Not really, looking at it. I was left stranded at the airport, did he pick up my call? No. Sometimes, a part of me thinks he maybe let the flat situation play out like how it did just so we don't move in.

I mean I love him, with all my heart. I love the way my heart races when I see him. I love the way he holds me. I love the long Skype calls. When he's romantic, he says everything I want to hear. So, can I let this rough patch go just for these things and maybe spend the rest of my life with him?

I don't know. There's only so much I can take. But if it doesn't work out, I'll always love him and he'll be the one that got away.

Reaction.

There are many ways someone reacts to things. For me, I prefer hiding my emotions. I've been through hell and back and therefore I know how to mask how I feel. However, sometimes, I crack. Like today.

All I know is, I fucking love him. And I don't usually swear so you know I really like him. Why? I like the way he makes me feel. I like the challenge of keeping him interested. He's my Christian Grey (Yes, I mean the character, what he symbolizes). The thing is, I've gotten stronger and he has a strong personality. So when 2 strong personalities meet, just like in Physics when 2 same wavelengths meet, something happens. It could either make or break something. One of us needs to back down. But sometimes, just like any other human being on this planet, I don't feel like backing down. Cause I feel like I've put more into this relationship and the other person. The guilt that comes after, that is not supposed to be there, always eats me alive. I wish I could take back what I said. It's almost like you're living in fear. Like one wrong move could mean the end of your happiness. I hate this. But at the same time, the thought of his lips not being on mine anymore, kills me.

I've never wanted to sin this much. I've never craved contact. The truth is, relationships scare me. After what happened, I have this guard up, even for him. The only time it breaks down is when I'm in his arms. I love the safety. Imagine losing someone that makes you feel like this, while suffering from depression. Let's just say hell exists on earth. I don't know how to behave. I don't know how to react without having guilt or fear in me. I want to feel good. I want to be me again. And you make me, me. How can I answer all these questions?

I'm fucking afraid of the way he makes me feel. Because of the possibility that one day, he'll wake up and say he has had enough of me. Or one day I say something that I can never take back. What happens then? Do I pretend for the rest of my life that I did not find someone who gave me everything I wanted and more and it was cause of my fucking mistakes, I lost it? The thing is, he might be the one who walks, but I'm left blaming myself. It happened before.

As I'm writing this, all I want is to be in his arms. All these emotions I feel, I wish I could make it go away. I wish I didn't fall so hard. Why can't for once, I be the one that's left blameless? It's not fair, when I look around and I see couples enjoying each other. I do enjoy, only when I'm physically with him. I guess, once you're hurt, the fear of history repeating itself never leaves. I do not want to be the girl who gets drunk every weekend then proceeds to drunk call her ex. I've been there and it just causes more pain on both sides.

Maybe it's just me then? I can't be loved. I'm too damaged to be loved. No matter who I end up loving, I'll still end up getting hurt. They say it's better to be loved than to be lost. But yet, here I am, 11pm on a Saturday, alone with the dark pixels of my laptop. Sometimes, when you're too damaged, reactions don't matter. Because, there isn't any right or wrong for you. No matter how you react, you will end up blaming yourself. It's been a year since it happened. Have I forgiven myself? NO. You can only do your best to move on. However, that annoying voice in the back of your head? It never goes away. It becomes more silent. But it's still exist. You're left remembering every scar, each time you screw up in the present.

So here's to hoping I'm forgiven. For something I want to happen. To him, loving this damaged girl that makes love hard. But she made him happy once. Enough for him to take a chance on love. On her. Fingers crossed, she doesn't wake up to a nightmare.