Held On Tight For Dear Life

How many wine bottles do I have to empty before I figure out that I can't live without you? That if I left, despite everything screaming at me to do it, I'll still never be happy. Cause you are my everything. But I can't keep holding onto something that won't catch me when I fall. I can't be the only one trying to save this relationship right? Cause I would be trying to save...... nothing. He isn't trying. I'm tired of waiting and expecting.

At the same time, I can't face the fact that if I left, all those memories would go away. I may never find someone that makes me feel like he does. He is after all, my prince charming, and every girl knows you only get one of those. What do I say to my parents? I screwed up again and let someone affect me so much again? I would never be able to face them again.

Tears are literally falling from my face as I write this. Every fibre in me is begging me not to do this. However, I can't keep reminiscing, looking at our pictures of the "happier times" and keep giving him chances to get away with taking advantage of my kindness.

I wish he would say something to make things better. I don't even know if he's okay. Heck, I don't even know where he is. Is this a relationship? Why doesn't he get that I love him and I'm willing to do anything for him? If he really did mean it when he said I am the one for him, then why can't I see it?

If you're reading this, I love you and I'm sorry for having to do this. If you promise to put in as much effort as I am, I promise to be the best I can be. But if you can't, it's not fair on me. I have had so many nights where I cried myself to sleep. I deserve to be happy. You are no longer there for me when I need you, but when you need me, I am there in a heartbeat. How is it fair? Please understand that I can only fight for this as long as you let me to. Right now, you're pushing me away. If I had a choice, I would tell you not to let me go. So tell me, should I hang on to you any longer? I know I promised to never leave but that is if you promised to do the same. I can't see that you are. I don't know you anymore. I miss you. I miss your 3am calls. Is it my fault? How can it be when all I did was give you everything you wanted? I don't even know where you are or if you're okay. What happened to us? Did we just drift apart? Or is there someone else that has your attention these days?

I love you, that's the only thing I know right now. If you feel the same, then I beg you, don't let me walk away. Don't let me believe everything you said was a lie.

I'll give you my dirty little secret, don't tell anyone, or you'll be just another regret.

Life is never easy. No one has it easy. Even the richest struggle. Here's my issue. I have lived a life that has had enough. All those memories keep haunting me. That image of me falling down in the middle of street, being carried into the ambulance, it haunts me. I'm always so afraid for it to reoccur again.

I know he is the one. I knew it for a long time. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But lately, I feel him slipping. It's been 4 weeks since we kissed. Any women's magazine would tell you he's getting some on the side. I know that's not the case. Or maybe it is. I have been cheated on way too many times to even feel anything. The last relationship I was in when he was being cold towards me, he was cheating. I pray each night he's not. I know he never will. Cause if he is, I have no one to blame but myself. I promised myself the next person I date, I would only be committed if I'm 100% sure of it. And I was sure of him.

I'm just tired of being taken advantage of. I'm tired of compromising. Does he not remember how close we were? Does he not remember all his promises? Were they all said for the sake of them? Maybe I'm overthinking it. Maybe he really just is busy. But I am not asking for much right? I do not want to constantly keep asking my own boyfriend to hang out. My anxiety is making things worst as well.

The question that remains is this; how much am I willing to compromise? Am I going to keep being pushed around till I succumb to my low point again? I can't anymore. Despite him being the one, I need him to be the person I fell in love with. He used to call me at 3 am to tell me he loves me. Now, my phone barely even buzzes. When it does, it never is his name. I'm lucky to get a few texts here and there. So, can I add him to the list of people who only want me when they want someone to entertain them? And that's a freaking long list. Right now, that's what I feel. That I'm just there for him to talk to when he's bored.

He may be the one, but I won't let myself go just so I can get hurt and he walks away without any remorse. Should I run away from this then? I might risk hurting him. I can't even type it out to him. Each time I try to, instead of hitting that send button, I hit the delete. I tried having this conversation face to face and the words won't even come out. I finally spit it out and all he did was say "if I didn't love you, I wouldn't ask you to come see me." and a bunch of I LOVE YOU'S. Sure that's great, that reaffirms the relationship. But ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. And so far, all his actions scream is that he doesn't care.

So I'm left with the option of staying or leaving. If I leave, I risk losing my parents faith and trust in me. Since they like him. I risk losing the one. What if I can't find someone who's so N'Sync with me again. (See what I did there, JT reference man!) I mean, he knows what I like and what I don't. He knows how to make me scream and smile. If I stayed, I risk getting hurt. What if things don't go back to normal? We were supposed to be living together this year. But some documents were screwed up and we lost everything. I was left with a huge bill and almost homeless. Did he care? Not really, looking at it. I was left stranded at the airport, did he pick up my call? No. Sometimes, a part of me thinks he maybe let the flat situation play out like how it did just so we don't move in.

I mean I love him, with all my heart. I love the way my heart races when I see him. I love the way he holds me. I love the long Skype calls. When he's romantic, he says everything I want to hear. So, can I let this rough patch go just for these things and maybe spend the rest of my life with him?

I don't know. There's only so much I can take. But if it doesn't work out, I'll always love him and he'll be the one that got away.

Reaction.

There are many ways someone reacts to things. For me, I prefer hiding my emotions. I've been through hell and back and therefore I know how to mask how I feel. However, sometimes, I crack. Like today.

All I know is, I fucking love him. And I don't usually swear so you know I really like him. Why? I like the way he makes me feel. I like the challenge of keeping him interested. He's my Christian Grey (Yes, I mean the character, what he symbolizes). The thing is, I've gotten stronger and he has a strong personality. So when 2 strong personalities meet, just like in Physics when 2 same wavelengths meet, something happens. It could either make or break something. One of us needs to back down. But sometimes, just like any other human being on this planet, I don't feel like backing down. Cause I feel like I've put more into this relationship and the other person. The guilt that comes after, that is not supposed to be there, always eats me alive. I wish I could take back what I said. It's almost like you're living in fear. Like one wrong move could mean the end of your happiness. I hate this. But at the same time, the thought of his lips not being on mine anymore, kills me.

I've never wanted to sin this much. I've never craved contact. The truth is, relationships scare me. After what happened, I have this guard up, even for him. The only time it breaks down is when I'm in his arms. I love the safety. Imagine losing someone that makes you feel like this, while suffering from depression. Let's just say hell exists on earth. I don't know how to behave. I don't know how to react without having guilt or fear in me. I want to feel good. I want to be me again. And you make me, me. How can I answer all these questions?

I'm fucking afraid of the way he makes me feel. Because of the possibility that one day, he'll wake up and say he has had enough of me. Or one day I say something that I can never take back. What happens then? Do I pretend for the rest of my life that I did not find someone who gave me everything I wanted and more and it was cause of my fucking mistakes, I lost it? The thing is, he might be the one who walks, but I'm left blaming myself. It happened before.

As I'm writing this, all I want is to be in his arms. All these emotions I feel, I wish I could make it go away. I wish I didn't fall so hard. Why can't for once, I be the one that's left blameless? It's not fair, when I look around and I see couples enjoying each other. I do enjoy, only when I'm physically with him. I guess, once you're hurt, the fear of history repeating itself never leaves. I do not want to be the girl who gets drunk every weekend then proceeds to drunk call her ex. I've been there and it just causes more pain on both sides.

Maybe it's just me then? I can't be loved. I'm too damaged to be loved. No matter who I end up loving, I'll still end up getting hurt. They say it's better to be loved than to be lost. But yet, here I am, 11pm on a Saturday, alone with the dark pixels of my laptop. Sometimes, when you're too damaged, reactions don't matter. Because, there isn't any right or wrong for you. No matter how you react, you will end up blaming yourself. It's been a year since it happened. Have I forgiven myself? NO. You can only do your best to move on. However, that annoying voice in the back of your head? It never goes away. It becomes more silent. But it's still exist. You're left remembering every scar, each time you screw up in the present.

So here's to hoping I'm forgiven. For something I want to happen. To him, loving this damaged girl that makes love hard. But she made him happy once. Enough for him to take a chance on love. On her. Fingers crossed, she doesn't wake up to a nightmare.

Fighting The Monster

I have four more exams left. I'm halfway done. Anyone would be happy, but no, not me. I'm too stressed. Those panic attacks that left some years ago are back. When I was on easter break, I remember waking up in the middle of the night and just screaming. Those thoughts, they tell me I will never make it. I've broken down an uncountable amount of times.

I keep on telling myself, I will make it. I will be fine. But slowly the thoughts creep in my mind. Saying that I'm just lying to myself. Truth is, I'm all alone in this battle. Yes, I have my faith and it is a strong thing, but when all the signs just point toward failure, what do you say?

It's so hard facing these paper. It's like every word I write on that piece of paper is my lifeline. I'm pretty much screwed for my Maths 1, therefore, my downward spiral hasn't let me go. I have 3 biology exams and 1 chemistry. Can I make it? Can I get that distinction that I need? I'm torturing myself. But who am I to blame? I put myself in this situation. What if the uni doesn't accept me? Am I willing to spend another year or 2 in this country? It's hard enough to leave my mum for 3 months, can I survive years? I do miss home. So very much. My parents tell me I can do this, I should be fine. I may or may not be. All I know is I've never felt so alone. I have, in the dark days. I just never expected that feeling to return.

I can't make it go away. It's like mental torture. Everyday. I keep on praying for the days to go by fast so I can get this over with. However, there torture will continue till I get my actual results, I presume.

Sometimes, I wish I never left Taylor's. I would be enjoying my 1st year now. Or even finishing up FIS. As much as I say I can't stand that place, at least I knew I could ace any exam.

Damned If I do Ya, Damned If I Don't.

Friends with benefits.

Do you think they really work? Can you just hook up with someone constantly and expect yourself not to have any feelings at all? In my opinion, nope, you can't.

As much as people like to deny it, being intimate with someone does have a certain amount of feeling involved. Think about it, would you agree to being friends with benefits with just about anyone? You have to at least have a certain physical attraction to the person. I agree, there are some people who actually have had a successful F.W.B relationship. Hats off to you peeps! I think. The way I look at it is that, you're attracted to someone, but you feel that he/she isn't the bf/gf type or you just don't want to be in relationship and need your itch scratched. So you muster up the courage to ask someone if they are willing to be in a purely physical relationship. If you're lucky, then congratulations, you're gonna be UP ALL NIGHT. If not, its time to enjoy that one relationship that never fails. With your right hand. If you know what I mean. ;)

However, don't you do the same thing when you ask someone out for a date? A YES means that you get a girlfriend/boyfriend to satisfy all your needs and a NO means, well a date with your laptop? So what makes F.W.B so different? You start off by saying "we're just going to be making out/having coitus (Big Bang Theory reference, what up?!), nothing else." But without realizing it, you start spending time with that person and sooner or later,

BOOM!

You're hit by the relationship ninja.

I know, you're going to point out all those people who call themselves

"PLAYAS"

. Here's what I believe, as much as you call yourself a PLAYA or BADBOY or whatever, once you meet the right person, you would want to stay with them. This probably isn't the best example, but look at Barney Stinson, from How I Met Your Mother. Despite his womanizing ways, he still ended with like 3 long relationships. Yea, he's a character on show, but someone wrote his character, which mean that person believes that people would sacrifice for love.

So what do you do when you're in a F.W.B relationship and catch the "LOVEBUG"? Do you tell it out or just say you're done with the relationship? Or do you keep on messing about and keep your feelings on the DOWN LOW? I'd say go for the first option. I mean there's not much to lose. Lets face it, as much as you wouldn't like to admit it, trying to hide your feeling almost never works. Okay, it would work, if you're not banging the person but other that, it could NEVER work. If you admit it, you would never know if your feelings could be reciprocated. I mean, cmon, more banging! If you get turned down, then hey, it's all good. Plenty of other fish in the sea. Just tell the person, no hard feelings and walk away with your head held high, knowing you were strong enough to open up.

I guess my whole point of this rant is that in my own opinion, friends with benefits don't work. You can't hide your feelings if your intimate with someone. Banging is a meaningful thing. So the next time you think you want to a F.W.B relationship, ask yourself, "Why did I pick her?" "Why do I want to bang her oh so very often?" if your answer is "cause she's hot" then go right ahead, but after the 5th time ask yourself again.

"The most important parties to attend to are the ones you're not invited to" - Blair Waldrof

xoxo

Right Now.

Okay, so I just realized that this will be my first post from 2013. A LOT HAS HAPPENED. Seriously a lot. For starters, I left Taylor's. I left in April. However, I'm starting to realize how stupid I was for not taking the final exam. I mean, I already had a 3.84 gpa. I could've maintained it and had a back up plan in case I realize that I don't see myself as a doctor. Anyways, I left Taylor's, but not without a bang.

I realized that I did blog about my immature crush on one of my classmates in FICM. So, to catch you up, one day, I couldn't take it anymore (looking back, I feel like such an idiot, cause it was just a crush. It didn't mean anything) I overreacted and went up to my room, went on Skype and saw the most annoying, full of crap person online and decided to video call him and rant to him about my my idiotic crush.

He surprised me by telling me about his friend. His friend who was single. Now,I really dislike being set up. It crazy knowing that your friend know who you prefer to date rather than you. I was against the whole idea, but my "friend" (he really isn't my friend) pointed out that there is no harm in sending him a message. That's true, either way, I could end up with a new friend. I checked the guy out and he was quiet cute. He had that bad boy vibe. Now that's new. I've never been with anyone like that. I dropped him a message and the rest is history, I guess. (I'll update this in a whole other post, cause trust me, it's long)

So after I left Taylor's, my family and I had a quick trip to London and I fell in love with the city. I'm all for a historical stuff and London is the perfect blend of old and new. Let's not forget, the amount of eye candy is just too much, with the accents and all. My brother pretty much was moody the entire trip. But I guess all of us are used to it. Drama did strike in London. My parents caught me with my um eye candy? (Wait for the other post and I'll tell you who ;) What really pissed me off then, was that they JUDGED someone. How can you just assume someone is the way YOU think they are based on a STEREOTYPE. It literally broke my heart knowing that my parents did this.

But now I realized that they probably was just shocked that their lil girl is all grown up. It's not that I'm angry at them or anything, cause they had every right to be angry at ME but not HIM. Fast forward my trip and I was back in Malaysia, all set to go back to Taylor's for FIS. (Yes, I was going to be a doc!) But then I realized that I didn't really like Taylor's (But I miss a hell lot now, and am actually thinking of going back) so I spoke to my dad and he told me to do another Pre U course. A Levels was out of the list cause I didn't want to spend 2 years for a pre u. I was set to join CPU cause it was the fastest. But suddenly, I saw the REAL life of a doctor. No sleep, all work. You literally have no weekends. To be honest, you have no life. I started to wonder, do I really suit this? I decided to go for psychology, but since it wasn't really big in Malaysia, I decided to go to UK. Soon enough, my plans got disrupted. UK usually accepts students with A Levels and since CPU is kinda new, they wouldn't really pay close attention to it. So I decided to go to the UK for my foundation.

I ended up in London. I still am in London doing my foundation. It's hard cause it's basically A Levels stuff. My first week there was hell. I missed home so much.

I am however, starting to doubt whether I can handle being a doctor. Which is why I said I feel like idiot for not finishing at Taylor's. I'm literally stuck. I have no clue what to do. I can't stand being a science student, but I can't help to think that it'll get better when I start med school, but with the current situation of too many doctors in Malaysia, I might not be able to even get a job when I graduate. Do I really want to spend years studying and end up jobless? Can I handle the pressure of having sleepless nights and working 60 hours a week? My other option is to go back to media. Can I stand the assignments? Where do I go for my degree?

Oh yea, lets not forget the moment when I almost fell back to my old self. It was dark moment. I almost gave up on everything. I;ll give you a lil hint of what happened. Let's just say friends with benefits never work. However, I managed to find my faith. My faith in God. I'll admit, I'm not doing a great job right now, but I love my God and I'm trying to be a better Christian. I would not be where I am without Him. I am truly blessed.

Hopefully, by starting to write on this blog again, I'll be able to find all the answers I need. I promise to update again tomorrow. For now, I'll end with a quote.

"I keep on trying to make it go away, but how do you kill a feeling?" - Dan Humprey, Gossip Girl

xoxo

Is This Love?

Little moves they say, silently kill her they scream Is this love? When there is no words being spoken This could be misleading but darling I can't speak There is a fire in side, put it out, put it out with a kiss I can't breathe, is this love? What do you call this feeling? C/h baby just drop everything and take a chance, I know I'm not your type, but everybody needs a break This feeling inside of me, is this love? When time goes off, am I on your mind? This could be misleading but she screams a mistake Is this love? As the glass shatters on the floor and voices play around my head Baby am I on your mind? Or am I just wrong Is it love? Cause I can't take a breathe when I'm around you Don't break me with her in your arms. I can't breathe, is this love? What do you call this feeling in me? C/h Is this love? Baby tell me I can't help but fall for you Even though your heart is with another Could you write it down? Cause your breaking me with that smile C/h Written by Stephanie Fernandez on 20/9/2012 :)