Reaction.

There are many ways someone reacts to things. For me, I prefer hiding my emotions. I've been through hell and back and therefore I know how to mask how I feel. However, sometimes, I crack. Like today.

All I know is, I fucking love him. And I don't usually swear so you know I really like him. Why? I like the way he makes me feel. I like the challenge of keeping him interested. He's my Christian Grey (Yes, I mean the character, what he symbolizes). The thing is, I've gotten stronger and he has a strong personality. So when 2 strong personalities meet, just like in Physics when 2 same wavelengths meet, something happens. It could either make or break something. One of us needs to back down. But sometimes, just like any other human being on this planet, I don't feel like backing down. Cause I feel like I've put more into this relationship and the other person. The guilt that comes after, that is not supposed to be there, always eats me alive. I wish I could take back what I said. It's almost like you're living in fear. Like one wrong move could mean the end of your happiness. I hate this. But at the same time, the thought of his lips not being on mine anymore, kills me.

I've never wanted to sin this much. I've never craved contact. The truth is, relationships scare me. After what happened, I have this guard up, even for him. The only time it breaks down is when I'm in his arms. I love the safety. Imagine losing someone that makes you feel like this, while suffering from depression. Let's just say hell exists on earth. I don't know how to behave. I don't know how to react without having guilt or fear in me. I want to feel good. I want to be me again. And you make me, me. How can I answer all these questions?

I'm fucking afraid of the way he makes me feel. Because of the possibility that one day, he'll wake up and say he has had enough of me. Or one day I say something that I can never take back. What happens then? Do I pretend for the rest of my life that I did not find someone who gave me everything I wanted and more and it was cause of my fucking mistakes, I lost it? The thing is, he might be the one who walks, but I'm left blaming myself. It happened before.

As I'm writing this, all I want is to be in his arms. All these emotions I feel, I wish I could make it go away. I wish I didn't fall so hard. Why can't for once, I be the one that's left blameless? It's not fair, when I look around and I see couples enjoying each other. I do enjoy, only when I'm physically with him. I guess, once you're hurt, the fear of history repeating itself never leaves. I do not want to be the girl who gets drunk every weekend then proceeds to drunk call her ex. I've been there and it just causes more pain on both sides.

Maybe it's just me then? I can't be loved. I'm too damaged to be loved. No matter who I end up loving, I'll still end up getting hurt. They say it's better to be loved than to be lost. But yet, here I am, 11pm on a Saturday, alone with the dark pixels of my laptop. Sometimes, when you're too damaged, reactions don't matter. Because, there isn't any right or wrong for you. No matter how you react, you will end up blaming yourself. It's been a year since it happened. Have I forgiven myself? NO. You can only do your best to move on. However, that annoying voice in the back of your head? It never goes away. It becomes more silent. But it's still exist. You're left remembering every scar, each time you screw up in the present.

So here's to hoping I'm forgiven. For something I want to happen. To him, loving this damaged girl that makes love hard. But she made him happy once. Enough for him to take a chance on love. On her. Fingers crossed, she doesn't wake up to a nightmare.