Is This Love?

Little moves they say, silently kill her they scream Is this love? When there is no words being spoken This could be misleading but darling I can't speak There is a fire in side, put it out, put it out with a kiss I can't breathe, is this love? What do you call this feeling? C/h baby just drop everything and take a chance, I know I'm not your type, but everybody needs a break This feeling inside of me, is this love? When time goes off, am I on your mind? This could be misleading but she screams a mistake Is this love? As the glass shatters on the floor and voices play around my head Baby am I on your mind? Or am I just wrong Is it love? Cause I can't take a breathe when I'm around you Don't break me with her in your arms. I can't breathe, is this love? What do you call this feeling in me? C/h Is this love? Baby tell me I can't help but fall for you Even though your heart is with another Could you write it down? Cause your breaking me with that smile C/h Written by Stephanie Fernandez on 20/9/2012 :)

Time heals... Not really

It's been 3 years since it all happened. Since she went away. I always told msyelf that it's a long trip she went on. So, I wouldn't feel so awful. I miss her. A part from a few friends, she was one those who actually understood. I never really told anyone how it happened and I doubt I will, because I might just die telling it. Uni life is just getting harder and harder. I think it's might just be course. There's a part of me that still wants to be a travel writer. But mostly, I just wanna be a doctor. The whole thing is honestly, messed up. I love my friends but within a month, one betrayed me. Rather than being a total bitch, I think I handled it maturely. I shall shut up now. I'm crapping now.

My new best friend

That's right I got a new best friend. It's not a person, it's ignorance. I know it makes me sound like I'm a total bitch but it's what this world has turned me into. I don't ignore everyone I see, just the one's that piss me off. My ex for an example and my Turkish friend. I've been feeling empty for so long it's too much for me to handle. Whatever I do, I can never feel anything. I want to feel something. Love, happiness or anything at all. I'm tired of sitting here listening to those songs that used to make me feel something. As I'm writing this, I'm listening Paramore's Emergency. I had to write an English Journal for my class so I decided to write about myself. Mainly cause I was pressed for time. As I typed my essay, I teared up. It was so hard writing about all those moments in my life. No one actually will read it except for my teacher but then again she would not know its me. Hopefully. I just don't want to be judged anymore. I spent so many years being judged. I sometimes wonder though, what does my classmates think of me? I know, I'm silent, I don't really mix around. I mean, I can't even get a guy to ask me out. I wish I could gain back the confidence I used to have. But no more relationships, that's for sure. But then again, you don't always get what you want in life. Life's just messed up like me. I just wanna feel again.

Alex Gaskarth Saved Me. Again.

You know how when you choose to study something you should be excited for it? Why do I feel like this course isn't going to bring me happiness? All these question are eating me up alive. My classes are all fun, my course mates are awesome but I still feel unhappy. Maybe it's just my head being messed up again. I really want to be doctor, I want to feel the exciment I felt when I studied biology. I also feel it creeping up on me. I'm fighting it as much as I can, however, I nearly broke yesterday. The tempt to see the scars was too strong. I don't know what triggered it. Loneliness? Home sick? Missing Risa and Veen? Whatever it is, it'S hitting me hard. Alex Gaskarth voice is catching me thank god. My friend too. I love them to bits. <3 There's also crushes coming along. Trust me, nothing's gonna happen. I'm no longer the girl that goes up to a guy and be like "Hey, you have a cute smile, wanna go grab a drink?" Honestly, I miss that part of me. That girl that was FUN. She's some where in me but I'm afraid to bring her out. She might kill me again. Self esteem issues are acting up. So, there's no way in hell, that any guy I have a crush on, will be mine. Oh just kill me.

Leaving

Graduation. One simple word. With so much meaning. Not literally though. To me, it means growing up. Change. My graduation wasn't like others, I didn't cry, I said my goodbyes, took one last look and walked away with a smile. I was happy to be free from school. From people who didn't get me. I was happy to be starting a new life. Then came results. I might have shed a tear or two but that was all. Finally, June arrived. I realized that I had a month to figure out, A month to figure out what I really want for the next chapters of my life. Medicine or Journalism? Just the thought of it scared me. It broke me. It's scary leaving behind everything you've known for the pass 18 years. At times, I just wish I could stay home. My mum is making me all teary by saying stuff like "oh, it's gonna be so quite without you". My dad started working overseas since I was 6. So, it's been just her and me together. She was the only person I have around. Yes, she's only gonna be a 3 hour drive away but it will feel different. It's also making me regret all the times I've been mean to her. I know they say that college is the place where you really discover yourself. But if I can't even leave everything behind, how do you expect me to find myself? Sometimes, I feel like picking journalism, I get to travel the world, doing something I really love. However, being a doctor is all I ever wanted since I was little. Besides, if I change my decision now, I'll have to answer to all the vultures waiting to prey on me. All they will be saying is that I can't handle the pressure and the crap and that their kids will certainly be the best doctors anyone has ever seen when in reality, their kids will most probably end up fainting at the sight of someone bleeding. I know I can handle the pressure of being a doctor. It's just that is hard working here. I would go overseas once I get my degree but if I do decide to come back, I have to restart the whole thing again unless I specialize I think. I know, for sure, someday the right decision will fall into my hands. Till then, I just have to stall. Till next time, xoxo

Why do I feel like everything's gone?

Well, It's been awhile since I've posted. Here I am. Nothing much has changed except I got my SPM results. I wasn't too happy about it but everyone else said it was good. Let's just say, I can't do medicine without re taking a few subjects. (Physics and Chem to be exact) I got C's for those 2. So, right now, I'm deciding bout what I want to do. Maybe SAM? It seems like the right thing to do for students who are still clueless about what to do. Or I could just forget bout medicine and do mass com. Whatever I decide, I'll have my whole life to deal with. NO PRESSURE. Do you ever feel empty sometimes? Like something's missing? That is how I'm feeling now. I've never really spoken bout it but yea, I am now. A whole new chapter of my life is starting and I'm supposed to be all giddy about it but I just feel like it's nothing. My best friends are in Form 5 so I hardly see them. (I miss them) :) My other friends are mostly in colleges. Some overseas. Vanessa's having her Form 3 exams. I feel alone. As for boys. I'm OVER my ex. In fact, I think kicking him in the nuts would make me feel so more better. I can't blame him for the results I got, but it kinda messed me up a bit. If I didn't say yes, maybe I would've gotten better results. Who knows? I feel like I wasted 8 months but right now, past is past. "The angel will die, covered in white" xoxo, Stephyy