Held On Tight For Dear Life

How many wine bottles do I have to empty before I figure out that I can't live without you? That if I left, despite everything screaming at me to do it, I'll still never be happy. Cause you are my everything. But I can't keep holding onto something that won't catch me when I fall. I can't be the only one trying to save this relationship right? Cause I would be trying to save...... nothing. He isn't trying. I'm tired of waiting and expecting.

At the same time, I can't face the fact that if I left, all those memories would go away. I may never find someone that makes me feel like he does. He is after all, my prince charming, and every girl knows you only get one of those. What do I say to my parents? I screwed up again and let someone affect me so much again? I would never be able to face them again.

Tears are literally falling from my face as I write this. Every fibre in me is begging me not to do this. However, I can't keep reminiscing, looking at our pictures of the "happier times" and keep giving him chances to get away with taking advantage of my kindness.

I wish he would say something to make things better. I don't even know if he's okay. Heck, I don't even know where he is. Is this a relationship? Why doesn't he get that I love him and I'm willing to do anything for him? If he really did mean it when he said I am the one for him, then why can't I see it?

If you're reading this, I love you and I'm sorry for having to do this. If you promise to put in as much effort as I am, I promise to be the best I can be. But if you can't, it's not fair on me. I have had so many nights where I cried myself to sleep. I deserve to be happy. You are no longer there for me when I need you, but when you need me, I am there in a heartbeat. How is it fair? Please understand that I can only fight for this as long as you let me to. Right now, you're pushing me away. If I had a choice, I would tell you not to let me go. So tell me, should I hang on to you any longer? I know I promised to never leave but that is if you promised to do the same. I can't see that you are. I don't know you anymore. I miss you. I miss your 3am calls. Is it my fault? How can it be when all I did was give you everything you wanted? I don't even know where you are or if you're okay. What happened to us? Did we just drift apart? Or is there someone else that has your attention these days?

I love you, that's the only thing I know right now. If you feel the same, then I beg you, don't let me walk away. Don't let me believe everything you said was a lie.